Not knowing the pleasure of orgasm throughout my life was something that always left me wondering.
It seemed to be this unattainable place, this mystery that was savored by many, this holy ground people flocked to – just not me.
I always enjoyed sex and intimacy, even without orgasming. I made peace with the beauty of all that I did get to explore. Even with my peace, my orgasm became a quest for every man who ever laid next to me. Their ego said that they would be the ones to give me my first orgasm. But that wasn’t the case.
What I realized is that no one gives you an orgasm. You give it to yourself as you share in intimacy with another, or with yourself. The capacity for orgasming is something that must come from deep within you. It comes from a deep trust with ourselves and the person we are sharing ourselves with. People can only meet us as deeply as we can meet ourselves.
I was 44-years-old the first time I had an orgasm. I felt an explosion in the deep chasm of my being. It began with immense, uncontrollable energy that felt like a river of rainbows flowing through my soul. All that was left to do was to surrender to it and allow it to wash over me.
People were always in disbelief. How is it that it took 44 years for me to figure this out? Well, as it turns out, I am not alone.
According to Psychology Today, “only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.” There is a deep well of shame and untruths that wrap around this issue. For many women, it is easier to just pretend.
There are many factors that contribute to women not experiencing the beauty of the climax. Studies show that men climax in several minutes, where some women require upwards of 40 minutes of stimulation. It takes an incredibly dedicated and passionate lover to create this space. But if the space in your head and in your heart isn’t at peace, this divine connection cannot occur.
I think for many women, our body image issues get in the way of being present. We are programmed to seek external validation, and it leaves us in a perpetual state of seeking approval. This was most definitely the case for me. Rather than being in and owning the juicy-ness of my own beautiful body, I talked terribly to myself. Sometimes I would even wait to observe my partners’ reaction of my body to decide how I felt.
This is a nightmare, ladies, and definitely no place to be when you are ready to get down and embrace the beauty of deep intimacy. How can we orgasm when we aren’t fully in our own bodies?
Another big disconnect I had was with intimacy. I was looking for a partner to be everything for me. I hadn’t yet grasped the idea that I experienced intimacy, in some shape or form, in many of my relationships, not just my romantic relationships. I have incredible connections with men and women. Each important relationship in my life offers intimacy, and I don’t always mean sexual intimacy. I have since learned that one person could never quench all of these thirsts to experience and share in intimacy. And although I am a monogamous person, I know I share emotional and spiritual intimacy with my core group of friends, business partners, and my medicine brothers and sisters.
For me, too, all of my wants were standing in the way. The world is out there promoting desires. They say, “You can have everything that you desire,” and you should, because you deserve it. Let’s get real here, ladies: this isn’t so. Our expectations and desires are often the things that keep us in these perpetual states of longing. It’s important to get in touch with our feelings and listen to what the soul is telling us. Only from this grounded place within can we know what we truly need as opposed to what we have been taught to need.
The secret is really learning to be where you are at; to embrace and enjoy what is. We should get back to the simpler things, and create our lives from a place of truth and reality as opposed to needs and wounding. This journey into ourselves is unique and special for each one of us. Loving self-care and self-talk is an essential piece.
Embracing My Body
Beginning the journey into having a relationship with my vagina, and how I cared for her through sacred yoni steam, diet, and specific fabrics I put on her, was essential.
I began to embrace my sacred moon time: getting my period. Listen, women are magic. We are a portal from spirit to bring in new life. Our bodies are a wonderland of unexplainable beauty. We are the givers of life. Connecting back into our sacred feminine and owning what we actually are is an essential part of the process. We need to be with and listen to our bodies as they go through this sacred time, tapping into the wisdom of the body and the flow of life.
How I live and love in each moment is a factor in embracing me. How I feed and water my body, how I place food on my tongue, how I allow time for the chocolate to melt in my mouth as opposed to just chewing and swallowing it. The products that I place on and in my body are now organic and free from chemicals, dyes, etc. We need to love ourselves so dearly that we would never put ourselves in harm’s way.
Finding Healing and Bliss
Freeing myself from my emotional wounding and baggage took dedication and time. This journey began with a 90-day fast from many things. I gave up dating, the pursuit of pleasure, and all the distractions that kept me from my feelings and the truth that was living with me. I had no idea that it would last two and a half years, but that was the time I needed.
I stopped feeding myself knowledge. I stopped reading books and listening to podcasts, and instead listened to winds with my soul. This journey was the most profound yet; to sit with and understand my patterns, to be present with the intensity of my feelings – the very feelings that kept me in a state of need and perpetuated a lifetime of self-abandonment and bad decisions with love. My need was so great from another, my desires so intense, that I suffocated anything that had a breath to it. We are taught to live this way, to put everything into this box and hold it intensely.
What happens when we have no need for those intense desires and we can set the box down? We find what we are looking for within ourselves. We become a lot of the things we thought we needed from others. We find healing within the wounds that have kept us in such great need. We find peace in our beings, and we live at a deeper level of connection and truth. From this place, we find the beauty of ourselves. We trust in the knowledge in our hearts. When we make the choice to open ourselves up to deep intimacy, we can own our beauty, our worth, and our truths. We can then trust ourselves enough to surrender and allow ourselves to be taken by the pleasure of what our bodies are capable of giving us.
Sit in the stillness of yourself and your life. Be you. Be in your breath. Breathe in the mystery that surrounds you. Let go and allow.