In the center of my soul, was a hole. A hole that I had been trying to fill up with love from others, success and possessions my entire life. For me this hole was a bottomless pit.
Born to shop. A term that has been embraced and revered by the world. Being a consumer is part of the game of life. The more we have the better we are. And just when we are feeling “super fly” with our new piece of electronics or the latest pair of uncomfortable shoes… the next best thing comes out and our newly revered purchase becomes insignificant. That’s right. That item that you just bought…. you know….the one that you probably couldn’t afford, becomes an agonizing pit in your stomach and the feeling of satisfaction that you had from buying it, is now a ball and chain that keeps you enslaved in a system that never ends.
Guess what…. You are already enough. You do not need anything to make you whole. Ya, ya. I know what you are thinking. This chick is crazy.
For me this pattern was more than an addiction, it was my way of existence. I loved stuff. I loved walking into a store and knowing that I was going to go home with a bunch of new stuff. I loved unpacking my new “stuff” once I got home and couldn’t wait to put it away. Most of it never got used but It made me giddy. Sometimes I bought 2 or 3 of the same things and didn’t even realize that I had the same thing “unused” at home.
Shopping for me was a way of being. Being in deep debt was also a way of being. It was a sickness. I shopped when I wanted to celebrate life. I shopped when I was sad, when I was mad. I shopped when it was Tuesday, when I was hungry, stressed and lonely. I shopped because it was sunny and I shopped because it was snowing. I shopped and shopped and shopped and although I didn’t know it at the time, I shopped to try and feel and to try and not to feel. I shopped to try and fill a hole that was inside of me. And no matter how many pairs of jeans I bought or how many shoes filled up my dream closet…one thing never changed, I could never fill up the hole in my soul.
My debt was another story. I didn’t really understand the power it had over me. It was my master and I was its slave. It controlled how I lived my life and it controlled the things that I didn’t get to do. I was patterned from my upbringing and my own belief systems around needing to always have “the best” and to do that I had to be a person that existed with debt. I always knew that it would be a monthly expense. Its existence in my life was like a bad relationships. I didn’t know how to exist without it. The only way that I knew to get rid of the debt was to stop having the things that I wanted and for me that was worse than death… or was it?
Sometimes in life you have to lose it all to understand that the possessions that you hold near and dear to the heart are the things that are plaguing your life.
So…how did I do it? How did I go from being a woman who needed stuff to define her to the women who got rid of over 90% of her stuff? First off I will say that I didn’t know that working with entheogenic medicine “psychedelics” would come with this side effect.
I noticed after sitting in my first plant ceremony that things began to change. I found myself disliking the crowds that I experienced while shopping. I had no patience for the place that I had spent a majority of my free time as an adult.
After my third ceremony, I found that I no longer had need for anything. It was strange to be comfortable enough with myself to not have the need for anything new. And by the time the 5th ceremony rolled around, not only did I no longer need anything the very thought of shopping repulsed me.
Are these results typical? It seems as though they are. While interviewing Dr. Ben Sessa, MBBS (MD) MRCPsych-Psychiatrist on my podcast, Cosmicsmith Radio, we discussed how addiction isn’t about the drug, it is about the trauma that we experienced as children. For me, shopping was an addiction. Drugs aren’t the problem. The problem is the trauma and the experiences that I had when I was a child and/or in the womb. Working through the trauma of my younger years helped me to no longer need to try and fill the hole in my soul.
“Psychedelics bring you back to the fundamental essential of need. Those needs are connectivity with other humans and no amount of material goods will supply that.” -Dr. Ben Sessa
Working with this medicine helped me to finally wrap my mind around my wealth consciousness and supported me as I worked on breaking patterns in myself and my linage around money. I won’t lie, this was incredible deep work but it was worth it.
In all honesty I don’t think of this sacred method as a psychedelic, but the title certainly got your attention. Entheogenic plant medicine has incredible intelligence and the ability to support you with your own healing. The path of plant medicine isn’t for everyone, well it is for everyone but not all will choose this path. For those of you who are ready to stop trying to fill the hole in your life, the path of wholeness is waiting for you.
Plants and trees hold the keys.
Find your truth and live your unique fucking life!